They Like 'Em Long

Vapid Girl #1: You know that movie Doubt? Was it saying all guys with long finger nails are molesters?

Vapid Girl #2: I don't know... All I know, if a priest is coming to molest me...he better be hot.

- THE ARCLIGHT

If It Ain't Broke - Don't Hit On It

Douche: So what do you do?

Pretty Girl: I'm an actress.

Douche: Been in anything I know?

Pretty Girl: No.

Douche: Working on any upcoming projects?

Pretty Girl: Yeah. Tonight I'm acting like I'm interested in you.

Douche: Oh...can I buy you a drink?

Pretty Girl: Yeah, I'm totally broke.

- ST. NICKS

Beach Front Living

Trendy Girl: I hate Santa Monica -- too many homeless people.

Thin Girl: Where would you live if you were homeless?

Trendy Girl: The Valley. It's much cheaper.

-- PANERA BREAD

Tears Of Joy

Frat Dude #1: How was last night?

Frat Dude #2: Insane. I totally weeping bra'd that dumpy chick from the bar.

Frat Dude #1: The hells that?

Frat Dude #2: It's when you pull out and finish in their bra so when they get up to get dressed...Ta da weeping bra.

Frat Dude: #1: What the fuck!?

- Q's

Peaks And Valleys

Party Girl: Where'd you used to live?

Guy: Silicon valley.

Party Girl: Is that where they shoot all that porn?

Guy: Uhm, no...are you serious? (Then) I think you're thinking of Silicone...

Party Girl: Yeah, that one's waaay dangerous. Had mine changed to Saline two years ago.

Guy: Wanna dance!

- THE EDISON

Bar Game Basics

Phone Monkey #1: I hate working at an agency.

Phone Money #2: Then quit.

Phone Monkey #1: Nah, I like telling chicks I work at CAA and can hook 'em up.

- URTH CAFE

It's All About The Pitch

Dude #1: Wanna go to Graumans?

Dude #2: What's there?

Dude #1: It's got, like, foot prints of famous people.

Dude #2: Yeah, what's so cool about that?

Dude #1: It's cool when you're high.

Dude #2: Man, I don't think I'd ever be high enough for that to be cool.

Dude: #1: I got Shrooms left over from Burning Man.

Dude #2: Man, why didn't you open with that. I'm in!

- BEVERLY CENTER FOOD COURT

Depression Era Fantasies

Phone Monkey #1: Who would you rather screw: Angelina Jolie or that girl from Lost?

Phone Monkey #2: Shit, on my salary I'm lucky to nail an intern.

- BARNEY'S BEANERY

David Robberfield

Crazy Guy: Hey, yo, give me a dolla and I'll show you a magic trick.

Tourist (gives dollar): Okay.

Crazy Guy walks away

Tourist: Wait, you didn't show me the trick.

Crazy Guy: I just did! Made a dolla disappear from your wallat. Magic, Bitch!

- 3rd STREET PROMENADE

Curious Case of Prad Bitt

Girl Tourist #1: Oh my God! It's Brad Pitt!

Girl Tourist #2: That guys all fat and stuff. That's totally not Brad.

Girl Tourist #1: Whatever, not like anyone from home will know the difference. (Dials Phone) Hello, Mom, you'll never guess who I'm looking at....

- HOLLYWOOD AND VINE

Everytime I'm Done With A Book...I Feel Like I'm Left with a Square Piece Of Trash

Phone Monkey: If I see a script over 120 pages I won't even read it. I didn't come to Hollywood to read.

Cool Glasses: Then why did you come to Hollywood?

Phone Monkey: To bang out hot actresses.

Cool Glasses: Oh, I didn't realize hot actresses like to have sex with illiterate fucks.

Phone Monkey: You're just pissed I didn't read your script.

- CENTURY CITY FOOD COURT

Wonder What Happens On Saturday

Club Chick #1: It's freezing!

Club Chick #2: Thought you were from Wisconsin?

Club Chick #1: I am, so?

Club Chick #2: So you should be used to the cold.

Club Chick #1: Girl, it's Friday -- you know I'm not wearing any undies.

- CROWN

Star Sighting

Guy #1: (pointing to homeless guy): Look, it's Orlando the Grouch!

Guy #2: You know him?

Guy #1: Everybody knows him!


- ORLANDO AND 3rd

Mom I Got The Part

Waitress #1: So after I auditioned...he said I had to sleep with him to get the part.

Waitress #2: So, did you?

Waitress #1: No...but the good news is I landed the second lead!

Waitress #2: YAY!! Wait...what did you have to do to get that?

- CHEESECAKE FACTORY